Sexual Complexities
By Wayne L. Parker
I am a member of the Unitarian-Universalist Church in Baton Rouge, La.
This church, and UU churches everywhere, I presume, considers itself to be a sampling of the “human community.” People of all kinds attend. There are many religious beliefs among our members, as well as political views.
We are, for the most part, a group of free thinkers who recognize our common link to all humans, and we value everyone for the unique contributions they have to offer the world.
For this reason, our membership includes a large group of gay men and women.
Being in an organization in which these people feel free to relax and be themselves, where they are not only “accepted,” but welcomed, has enabled me to broaden my view, not only of them, but of life in general. (See? They’ve contributed to my life already, without even trying).
Having felt pretty much as a social outcast myself, (primarily due to my own standards and beliefs - I place no blame on “society”), I have always empathized with gays and other groups who are rejected by mainstream society through no fault of their own. I’ve also come to value the views of anyone who, like me, operates mostly outside of mainstream society, since they are more likely to possess views and perspectives that are largely untainted by a desire to “fit in,” and so are presumably more honest.
As for my point about gays, my church, and my relationship with both, I’d like to share the following:
I’ve always enjoyed watching people sing. Of course, LISTENING is what we’re supposed to do with people singing, but I like to watch them too. When people sing, at least in such places as a church, all pretensions are discarded. Being focused solely on “making music,” they let us see them in their pure, child-like state.
One Sunday, one of our gay members, whom I’ll call Barry, was tasked with leading the congregation in a hymn. Barry is quite effeminate in demeanor – someone who would probably be recognized as gay even if he weren’t. Having him up in front of the congregation enabled me to really watch Barry as he sang. Not only was he fully engrossed in singing the hymn, he sang beautifully, and gave the effort everything he had.
And that was what touched me in that moment. Barry was GIVING us a piece of himself. He felt comfortable enough (and safe enough) to stand in front of the whole congregation and share his wonderful talents with us – and I, at least, did my best to make my contribution in honor of his.
I’ve spoken with Barry on several occasions – we both attend “Branches” meetings, and he helped me to find a place to live when I moved into the area.
Barry is a very gentle, friendly, helpful, caring person. He is also very knowledgeable in the local history of his community as well as in real estate. I suspect he’s well-educated in many other subjects as well, which I’ll probably learn of in time.
After services that Sunday I thought back on my experiences and I remembered Barry. It was then that it occurred to me that in many places, Barry would be at risk of ridicule, hatred, ostracism, and even violent attack, simply because he “looks gay.” At best, in some churches he would be looked upon with pitying tolerance (“Hate the sin, not the sinner”).
I thought just how ugly, thoughtless, cruel, and foolish some people can be, to feel such terrible things toward someone who was so obviously beautiful.
And this, naturally, got my mind to thinking about the things I’ve observed about human sexuality, including my own, over my 51 years of life.
I thought I’d add those thoughts to this web site so that others who wish to contribute some love to the world, to try to keep some semblance of balance with all the fear, may be more effective as a result of a few new perspectives.
My primary goal with this essay is to show that human sexuality has both a biological AND psychological aspect, and the unavoidable intermingling of the two makes the whole phenomenon VERY complex.
For someone like me (and, presumably, YOU), this makes the subject interesting.
For many, sadly, it makes it scary.
A “Lifestyle Choice”?
The belief that homosexuality is a “life style choice” is necessary, I think, for many people to be able to fit it into their particular view of life and “god.”
The Holy Bible states that homosexuality is a sin. It also states that “god” created everything. Therefore, if a person can actually be born homosexual, god must have made them that way, right? And if they were born that way, are they not “innocent before god”? And if they’re innocent before god, how can a person express their dislike or disapproval of them without incurring god’s disfavor?
Clearly, some other reason must be found for why someone engages in homosexual behavior. It MUST be a conscious choice. What other reason can there be that would allow us to indulge our own personal aversion toward them and avoid offending god?
I’m no biologist, but I’ve learned enough about human development to know that the sexual orientation of a particular species of plant or animal is VERY complex. The existence of hermaphrodites demonstrates this, as should the reality of “naturally” homosexual people.
How many men do we see throughout our lives who display obviously feminine characteristics? How many men have we seen whose voices, modes of vocal and visual expression, walk, and personal mannerisms all scream WOMAN! Do you really think these guys are TRYING to act that way? Do you REALLY believe that, once they “decided” to be gay, they figured they’d better start “acting” gay?
How about “mannish” women? Have we not all seen them? Is that a put-on, too? When they were children, unaware of sexuality, were their “tomboy” ways an intentional act? Or was that just the way they were?
When I hear people calling homosexuality a “lifestyle choice,” I like to reply “Oh! So, for YOU, liking the opposite sex required a conscious choice? Geez! I never had to give it any thought! All of a sudden, I simply began to look at girls differently than I previously had, and began to notice different aspects of them. But since you believe that people must make a conscious choice in such matters, I suppose I should conclude that you COULD have made the OTHER choice, right?” (I usually then suggest that they’re probably REAL glad that they’d made the “right” choice.)
I’d like to relate a story from my past that I hope will demonstrate just how horrible and cruel the “anti-homosexual” mindset is in America.
The names in this particular account will be changed to protect anyone who may be harmed by my telling of the story.
I began dating “Sharon” in 1995. She was a widow who had been married for 22 years and had an adult daughter. Once we got to know each other well enough, Sharon related the following story of how she became a widow:
She and “Ed” were high school classmates. When Ed returned from Vietnam, he and Sharon began dating and then married. They had a daughter as a result.
The marriage went along nicely for some time (I don’t recall if Sharon told me how long things went smoothly), but then Sharon began to suspect that Ed was up to something. He began going away on weekend “hunting trips,” engaging in some types of secretive communications to which Sharon had no access, and exhibited other un-characteristic behaviors.
Eventually Sharon confronted her husband and he confessed that he’d been having sexual affairs, and agreed to attend counseling.
And so they did, with Sharon being the good, loving, supportive wife and Ed the contrite, earnest husband.
All seemed to be patched up, until some time later when everything began to come apart again.
Long story short, it was discovered that Ed had been having HOMOSEXUAL affairs, not your garden variety “fling with a young cutie.”
I don’t recall many of the details now, but Sharon and Ed continued to try to make things work, with Ed apparently feeling tremendous frustration and guilt with his continued backsliding.
One day Sharon got a phone call from one of Ed’s business partners telling her that Ed hadn’t shown up for work that day. He told her to sit tight and that he and the other partners would try to find him.
Ed’s nude body was eventually found in a hotel room. He had consumed half a bottle of whiskey, drank a bottle of furniture polish remover, and was crawling across the floor toward a revolver lying on the dresser when he collapsed and died. The carpet and furniture were stained with vomit and excrement.
It doesn’t take much imagination to see that Ed died a terribly painful, violent, lonely death. I can only imagine his anguished weeping for the way his life had turned out, and all because of “what he was,” and our culture’s attitude toward him.
After Sharon related the story to me, I suggested that Ed probably married her in the first place just to convince people that he was “normal” and not “gay.” She pointed out that most likely he was trying to convince HIMSELF of that fact as well.
What a tragedy! Because, as a young man, Ed could not face his natural inclinations, let alone admit them to the people who knew and loved him, he married an innocent young woman and then lived a fraud for 22 years, ending it all with a horrible, lonely suicide after he gave up trying to hide what he was.
The above account EXPLODED from me when, a year or so later, a new acquaintance vented a rant against “queers” and characterized homosexuality as being nothing more than a “lifestyle choice.”
I asked him why someone would “choose” a lifestyle that might result in such a tragedy and, having seen the tragedy beginning to unfold, “choose” to CONTINUE in that lifestyle since, to believe the common myth, all he needed to do was “choose” ANOTHER “lifestyle.”
When one stops and thinks about it, such ideas really are quite absurd.
But then, that IS the source of most problems, isn’t it? People just don’t think.
When I tell Sharon’s story today to people who know and respect me (and who are thus less inclined to quickly voice criticism) I’m frequently told that the “homosexual desire” may be unavoidable (a significant acknowledgment on their part) for “such people,” but that they should never engage in such activities. This view is usually voiced by people who profess a belief in Christianity.
I suppose they can be forgiven for glibly condemning a fellow human to a life of isolation and complete sexual abstinence since, in THEIR view, these people will have a better life in heaven……after they’re dead, so long as they’re able to endure a loveless life hiding what they are from the entire world.
Being of a somewhat more thoughtful and compassionate nature, I would tend to encourage ALL people to enjoy intimate love wherever they are fortunate enough to find it, and with godspeed!
I think anyone who makes an honest assessment of the world around them can’t HELP but see that there are some people who were just “made” homosexual. And therefore, anyone who denies the fact of these people’s existence demonstrates that they are not being honest about life, and thus are probably getting lots of other things wrong as well.
No honest person can deny the evidence indicating that some people are born homosexual. However, is it not equally obvious (or, at least, possible) that some heterosexual people engage in homosexual behavior as well?
Our Bodies Support Our Minds In More Ways Than Just The Biological Necessities
From fourth grade through high school I lived in a small town in New Jersey. The Wilson’s house was on a corner, a block down the street from my house. Their yard was always overgrown, the house in disrepair. As a kid, I saw such things as a curiosity, nothing more. The only thing I knew for certain was that there were a LOT of Wilson kids - at least eight.
Apparently there was no longer a “Mr.” Wilson, and Mrs. Wilson was raising all these kids by herself.
25 years after leaving the town, I returned and spent a few days with a high school friend. We walked around town reminiscing about old times.
When we came to the old Wilson house, my friend asked me if I’d heard about what had happened there. Since I’d been away for 25 years, obviously I had not.
It turns out that, at some point while raising all those kids by herself, Mrs.Wilson arranged to have several men have sex with her at the same time, and had the event recorded on 8 mm film. When her kids got older, they discovered the film in the attic and sold tickets for the local kids to come watch it.
My heart broke for the woman. (But, in all honesty, I had to laugh too).
Having given some thought to life issues, sex being one of them, I suspected that Mrs. Wilson was so stressed during so much of her life, being the sole adult in charge of so many children, that being “gang-banged” was a way for her to use her body to allow her mind to perceive that “someone else” was in control, and could thus relax for a while. She probably recorded the event so that she might re-live it as necessary, without having to actually do it again.
Does this story not show a DIFFERENT aspect of sexuality? Would it not be possible for a MAN to have similar needs, for the same reasons?
And if we accept the notion that our minds may employ our bodies as tools to address specific needs, can we not perceive some perfectly understandable reasons for engaging in “unnatural” sex acts such as bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism?
Raping women is generally understood to be an act of a man who needs to feel power, specifically over women. Could there not be cases in which a heterosexual man, having power or control issues with men, might want to rape men and/or boys? Or, perhaps, simply have sex with them as the “giver,” simply because it represents power?
And, speaking of rape, I know a homosexual woman on a casual basis, and she has told me that she’s had lovers who were young, heterosexual women who had been raped or sexually abused by men and were not emotionally capable of engaging in intimacy with them. They turned to lesbian lovers to obtain the satisfaction of their all-too-natural needs.
Might not heterosexual men, likewise, engage in homosexual acts for similar reasons? What about men who are impotent? Might they not be inclined to engage in homosexual behavior simply to attain SOME degree of human intimacy?
My purpose in writing this essay is not to “justify” homosexual behavior since, really, the whole notion that ANY peaceful, honest behavior between consenting adults needs justification is completely absurd.
What I am hoping to do is to convey to that segment of the American populace that sees homosexual behavior as “wrong” that the issue is really quite complex (along with being none of their concern).
Hopefully the two accounts I’ve shared of two gentle, good, loving human beings doing their best to live their lives with some degree of happiness will cause some of those who hate homosexual people to realize that, when they’re shouting “God hates queers!,” they are actually talking about human beings – people with the same basic human desires as you and I have.
Perhaps these peoples’ unique qualities have the effect of making their life’s experiences far more intense for them than they might be for others, as well as enabling them to come up with ways of dealing with their feelings that less-sensitive people might not understand.
We all want to be loved and accepted. After all, that is, truly, “god’s way,” is it not? Children who have yet to be corrupted by their parents or other adults are able to make friends with everything and everyone. We are BORN that way! The human race would have gone extinct centuries ago if it had been any other way.
It is a significant part of our nature to love and accept others, and to be loved and accepted by them.
Consequently, we are hurt, sometimes deeply and terribly, when we are unjustly ridiculed, hated, and/or shunned by our fellow human beings.
Yet, how many of us think nothing of turning “undesirable” people away?
And doing so “in the name of God”?