TRUE LOVE
By
Wayne L. Parker
What is love? That’s a common enough question, among guys anyway. Women always seem to know what it is. At least, that’s what they lead us guys to believe!
To be honest, though, I’ve always had a problem defining “love.” Consequently, I’ve always been uncomfortable when a woman tells me she loves me. I WANT to respond in a positive way, but since I never really knew what “love” was, I didn’t feel right saying “I love you” back to her.
Now I think I’ve found the answer. I’m wondering if I was limiting the scope of the phenomenon called “love” too narrowly. I’m wondering if we ALL do.
I came across this revelation during a Religious Education class with my Unitarian – Universalist Fellowship.
I was leading the discussion, and our topic was Kahlil Gibran’s masterpiece “The Prophet.” We were discussing the chapter on “Love” and I encountered some disagreement among the group as to what I thought was a very clear description of what love really means.
Gibran wrote:
“When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your own growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.”
You can see that in Kahlil Gibran’s view, Love is a double-edged sword. It raises you up, but also brings you down.
Now, on the surface this may seem contradictory. To me, however, it is perfectly natural, and completely good.
I see absolutely no “good and bad” conflict here; only a wonderfully perceptive good.
In order to explain my views on this, I think I must first explain my view of life in general, and my life in particular.
To quote the oft-used cliché, I am a work in progress. Well, toward WHAT am I progressing? Am I trying to get rich? Hardly. In fact, some might say I’m trying to become poor!
Am I trying to become better than everyone else? No, although I WOULD say that I’m striving for perfection, I am not doing it in order to feel that I’m better than others.
Although I don’t expect to ever reach perfection, and certainly hope that I don’t, since I’d have nothing left to do with myself, I DO strive toward it simply by trying to be a better person each day than the person I was the previous day.
Self-improvement! Personal growth! All those neat things. Rather than, as a young man, striving to perfect the world, I now try to focus on perfecting my “self.” A daunting enough task, to be sure.
The single most important ingredient for personal growth is TRUTH. If a person is going to grow, in a healthy manner, he can do so ONLY by facing the truth; speaking the truth, and living the truth.
In his book “The Road Less Traveled” M. Scott Peck says that people who take the road of truth, who strive to be truthful in all their dealings, especially with themselves, will be FORCED to grow. Since none of us is perfect, when confronted by the truth about ourselves we will have no choice but to change.
The fact that truth makes us change is why the road of Truth is, indeed, less traveled than other roads. Change is painful. It’s unNATURAL!
But for someone for whom personal growth is the ultimate goal, living the Truth becomes an essential tool. Something that I cannot do without; nor would I do without if I had a choice.
To me, life is to be lived. That may sound simple, but in reality, most people fail to actually live their own lives. Most people, I believe, live their lives as spectators. I desire to LIVE my life, as opposed to simply coasting along through 70 or so years of existence.
Socrates observed that “A life unexamined is a life unlived.” What I think he meant is that if we are unaware of what we are doing and, more importantly, WHY we are doing it, we are not aware of our own lives, and therefore are not aware that we are living.
If we do not make a sincere attempt to face the truth in our lives, both concerning ourselves as well as relating to the world around us, we miss out on our own lives.
Many people live, to some degree, in a condition of denial. Perhaps their marriage is miserable, but they kid themselves and the world around them that it’s really happy. Perhaps a person is unhappy with his job, or has a burning desire to open his own business, but is too afraid to make the necessary changes. Such people often seek out excuses in order to avoid facing their own, quite human frailties.
So, what I mean when I say I want to “live my life” is that I want to feel the full force of the consequences of my actions. When I do something good, I want to feel the pleasure of having done a good thing. And I want to enjoy the pleasure of the person for whom I’ve done the good deed.
By the same token, when I’ve done something wrong or bad for me or someone else, I likewise want to experience the full force of the consequences of my actions. I do not want the wrath that is directed at me as my just reward to be tempered or disguised in any way.
I want to take life strictly as it is; nothing more, and certainly nothing less. I insist upon taking life squarely on the chin! To do less would be to deny a part of my own existence.
A life built upon denial is like a house built upon sand. When a severe storm comes up in one’s life, that person is swept away. A life that is founded upon Truth has the whole universe as its foundation!
Now, the PROBLEM with this method of living is that we can rarely see the Truth concerning ourselves, without some assistance.
The old ego comes into play, protecting us from unpleasantness and seeking to keep us within the confines of our present condition. I think our egos do this as a means of affirming our rectitude in our lives. If we’re already perfect, why should we strive to change? The act of changing implies the NEED for change, and the ego usually won’t allow such a need to be recognized by its owner.
So, I must rely upon others to assist me in my quest for personal perfection. And this is where Love comes in. True love. Not puppy love, not romantic love, or lust, but a true connection with another human being.
Cosmic Love, I suppose. A love that encompasses the entire universe. A love that moves through us, as it moves through all life forms. I am a part of this universal love just as a flower is a part of it. The problem is, many of us try very hard to avoid acknowledging this Love.
Why? I think it’s because this “universal Love” is actually “Truth.” I believe Truth is life; and life is Love. Therefore Truth is Love.
But as I said earlier, truth can be painful. It forces us to see ourselves as we really are, both the good and the not so good. And since our egos try to prevent us from seeing the bad in ourselves, we need the help of a friend. And that friend may even be a total stranger. Nevertheless, if he walks in the Truth, he will recognize the Truth in you, and will understand that his perspective or criticism will be welcomed by you.
This was the point of contention in my religious education class when we discussed Kahlil Gibran’s concept of “Love.” Some of the members in the group pointed out that sometimes people criticize us with the intention of hurting us or ridiculing us. Perhaps to make themselves feel superior.
I would point out that, although their motives may not be honorable, are not the results of their actions the same? Assuming they’re accurate in their criticism of us, shouldn’t we be grateful that they pointed out some of our faults?
We only become angry at such people because our egos resent someone’s notion that they’re qualified to judge US; when in the reality created by our egos it is WE who are great and should be judging THEM! Right?
This is the distinction between the Universal Love, and what I call romantic love. Universal Love is the TRUTH, and the Truth will always be good, because it makes me more alive, by making me grow. It may be temporarily painful, but in the long run we can only benefit from it.
Knowing that, we can see that the Truth transcends personal relationships in general, and personal animosity in particular. In a very real sense, someone who attempts to harm us by telling us the truth about ourselves is actually HELPING us!
But, aside from those people who would point out our faults for malicious reasons, there are many people in the world who are like me; seeking the truth in everything. Confident that the Truth is a GOOD thing.
Now let’s go back and consider Gibran’s description of “Love.” Remember, to me, Truth and Love are one and the same.
Gibran writes: “When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep.”
That’s telling us that facing the Truth is almost always difficult.
“And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.”
He’s telling us that although Love’s embrace feels wonderful, it’s gonna prick ya’ once in a while, as it forces you to grow.
“And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.”
Here, he’s telling us that Love, Truth, will shatter those parts of our understanding that are mistaken.
“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.”
That’s an interesting term. “Pruning.” Why do we prune bushes? To remove dead or sick portions of the living plant, in order that healthy branches may grow in their place.
“Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.”
Again, Love, as Truth, will disrupt your life, by shattering your preconceptions of your self.
And now for Gibran’s finale:
“Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.”
There! He said it! Love will reveal to you the secrets of your own heart. For Love is Truth.
We should remember that True Love is not a personal phenomenon. It is spiritual, and ANYone can be a vessel, a conduit for love, delivering the precious cargo of truth to the doorstep of your heart.
Children often act as delivery-people for Love. In their pureness, they say what they think. I think this is what Jesus meant when, while holding a child on his knee, he said, “In order to enter the kingdom of heaven, you must be as this child.”
Children, being pure, LIVE Love, LIVE the Truth, every day. I wonder if this is why they grow so much faster than we older folks. Kids haven’t developed their egos yet.
In summation, I suppose what I’ve been trying to explain is that “True Love” is always glorious, even as it hurts us, so long as we know that in causing us pain, it is helping us along the eternal journey of life. It is helping us to see ourselves more clearly, and in so doing causing us to live our lives more fully.
And, of course, the more aware we are of ourselves, the more aware we are of ourselves in others.
And THAT is what I call True Love!